Chapter 5 — Fit To A Tea

It is important to realize that while our Starbucks™ pricing boards list one price for a Tall cup of Tazo™ tea and another for a Grande and Venti® the pricing actually works on a different model shrouded in deep dark brown shroudiness. Have you ever wondered why we ask you to ask the Starbucks™ guest how many tea bags they would like in their tea? Oh ha ha, no it’s not because we collect information for the British government’s MK Ultra dissemination program it’s because Starbucks™ tea prices are actually determined by tea bag count! One bag is $1.90 and two bags are $2.30. Isn’t that interesting? Are you asking yourself why we don’t list the prices like that on the pricing board? Well stop that won’t you? We hired you to make coffee not question authority.

Common Tea Service Case Studies — The Shy Angry Man

Our research shows us that about 40% of the time you — the Starbucks™ Barista — overcharge the Starbucks™ guest for a one-bag Grande or Venti® cup of tea. We’re not angry at you for doing that, we’re just disappointed but we have to share the blame because for some reason we won’t go into right now we refuse to change the pricing board and give you and the guest a common reference for the price of tea. Be on the lookout for the Starbucks™ guest who orders a one-bag Grande or Venti® tea and looks at you like a hurt puppy dog when you ask for $2.30 instead of $1.90. This type of customer may not actually miss the 40 cents but will resent you and by extension the Starbucks™ brand on principal — more so because they will feel like a total knob by raising the whole question of by-bag tea pricing in front of others. The hate will fester in them until their heart turns black and they retreat from society, sipping their non-Starbucks™ tea in their wilderness shack, polishing their shotguns and scribbling down their anti-capitalist manifestos in preparation for the day all will rise up and only order one-bag Tall teas and two-bag Grande and Venti® teas.