I’m going through a tin of photos rescued from our place in Toronto. I swear I’m not making this up when I say half of the photos of me as a child feature me naked. Apparently I wasn’t a big fan of clothes. I know I decided on two occasions, when I was 3 or so, that I needed to run around the neighbourhood naked (so I went ahead I did just that) but I had no idea the nakedness was 23/6. As far as I can tell from the photos my life went like this:
Birth quickly followed by a shirt.
Then I was brought home and quickly stripped of clothing and hosed down in the bathroom.
Then a bunch of shots like these where I’m all “naked is awesome!”
And “Nude is me! Don’t try to change me!”
And “Mom, you’re going to holding that diaper for a long time because this cool dude loves being nude!”
Then I flew an airplane naked.
Then a brief interlude in the backyard in a diaper to test the waters.
Which proved successful and was followed up with baseball and the forementioned runs around the neighbour buck naked.
For good measure a run through the sprinkler.
As far as I can tell from this shot my parents — figuring out that I’m never going to wear clothes — decide to just put paper down on the kitchen table and let me do my business there. Or maybe I fancy myself a dancer. Not sure.
Then it gets weird. What the hell is this shot?
I’m like 28 or 29 and I’m chillin’ in the kitchen with pants shooting the shit with my Mom. “Hey Mom, what’s for dinner? Oh, my pants? Yeah, I wasn’t feeling it. Yes I know I’m going to graduation tonight. I just thought I wear pants all day and what better time to not wear pants or for that matter underwear than in the kitchen at dinnertime?”
This entry was posted on January 28, 2009 and tagged childhood, nakedness.
I just laughed at that last picture for a good ten minutes. Also, look how tan you were!
Yes, this was from the days before I had a Vic20.
That kitchen is awesome. Is that your underwear in your hand? I hope so because a rag would seem somehow disturbing.
It had to be, all our rags from the period were hand-me-down ‘collectable’ tea towels or like what was hanging off the oven there in the photo.
“Hey, I just came in to see if someone could take me for my driver’s license test? I’ll totally put my pants on in the car.”
Dude, that second-to-last photo? Your head totally looks Photoshopped on. You probably *were* naked, and your embarrassed parents put your head onto the photo of a clothed baby.
That’s my theory anyway, and I’m sticking to it.
I can’t stop laughing at the last two. That one of you in your underwear? Pure Herve Villechaize!
Mom just got tired of everyone asking if you were a boy or a girl.
So was that last photo the inspiration for last Friday’s episode of Friday Night Lights?
“Riggins, where are your pants?”
“Over by the fridge. It was hot.”
Now I can’t help but picture adult Glark (ummm, not that I know you or anything) thumbing through all these pictures naked, but with that green frowny face covering the privates. Hee.
That’s tomorrow’s post.
Well, that just got me fired. Awesome.
The pic with you in the diaper looks like it was taken underwater. And you seem to be carrying a very shiny turtle. Forget the nakidity, what the hell kind of childhood did you have? Sure there was the fun with the frewheelin’ penis japes, but turtles, inflatable airplanes, diaper changes on the kitchen floor? I’m going to have nightmares involving angry green faces, for sure.
It’s not so much that you’re sans underwear in the kitchen while checking the balance of your IRA account but that someone was there, with a camera at the ready, to capture the moment for posterity (insert ”rim shot” here).
I’m still laughing at your choice to use the Mr. Yuck face for censorship. Heheheheheheeeeee.
I may never stop laughing at that last picture. Oh, man. I’m seriously in pain over here. The coy expression. The…whatever’s in your hand. The tan! You’re so inappropriate! I love it so much.
Also the tan lines in the last picture indicate a tiny Speedo, the closest to naked you can legally get at a public pool.
Good heavens. I take it you’re over the “It turns out that Glark.org hates blogging” thing for good.
(Also: Daaaayum, I do not have as much hair NOW as you did three weeks before appearing on this earth.)
(Also also: You SAY you’re a corgi person, yet I see no corgis and hear (and hear of) no corgis in the O+ ‘rents interview. Sole conclusion: poseur corgiphile.)
Maybe it’s just as well you’re not staying at our house when you come to visit.
I’m not a corgi person. My parents had corgis but I’ve always been more of a small hound sort of dog person (not that I’ve owned a dog). Currently I do have wiener dog-itis.
M. Giant is jealous.
I totally read that as dog weiner-itis, which allllllmost made sense given the pictures.
Of course, the Worker Hat is still fresh in my mind and then you go and post this.
Yoursister is hilarious. Does she have a blog?
I love that the little green faces look so disapproving, like they’re saying, “You want me to cover WHAT? Nooooooooo!”
Are you carrying a turtle in the Herve Villechaize photo? Because the look on your face should make that turtle fear for its life.
Yep!
I should not be looking at this at work. And yet, here’s me grinning. You are awesome, G.
Please stay away from my sons.
Ha! No dice. Once I meet your kids they are going to be the west coast’s #1 fan and talker-upper of farts and poo.