So I look like shit.
I’ve been having a bit of a shitty time as of late and now I look like this. I’m turning into a mountain hermit. Soon I will leave my tree trunk home and kill a deer with my bare hands so I may survive for another couple weeks. I will create my own language and teach a muskrat army to do my bidding. I will become an expert in foraging for edible flowers, berries and nuts but will terrorize campers, portagers and hikers for food when the opportunity arises. I will get beaver fever so often I will become immune. Mud will be my clothes, my ass-length hair my blanket, and I will mark my forest territory with my urine. It’s happening.
1. Crazy-Ass Greasy Hair
When your hair stands up by itself without product you probably should start taking better care of yourself, no? Try a shower more than every fourth day. The only plus is that I can do a kick-ass Mozart impression now by teasing every hair to stand up — especially with all the white hair growing in.
2. Self-Aware Sideburns
My sideburns are approaching Wilfrid Laurier territory. They are sideburns swept into my ear by some sort of Santa Ana winds of the face. They are marching towards my ear canal. They are self-aware and know that once they get into my brain they will be in control. The fact I’m not too worried about it tells me they have probably already done that.
3. Nose Hair
Look, I’m a hairy guy. I can’t help that but I usually try to save others from it. For example, the photo above has been lovingly cropped to protect you, the reader, from the tufts of Chesttown and plush fields of Backsville. Obviously I haven’t been giving due consideration to my nose. Indiana Jones could swing from nostril to nostril on those things. Yep, there’s a mess load of white hairs in there too. They are everywhere.
4. The “Playoff” Beard
Sports — both professional and recreational — scare me so this isn’t a true playoff beard. I’m not sure there’s any playoffs going on right now anyways. It’s not a writers strike beard either (though I do support them). This beard and the hair on my head is going to grow until something else happens. I’m a little scared to see this thing grow in. I think I’m going to see some major salt-and-pepperage. It’s also really going to limit the type of restaurants I’ll be visiting.
5. Pasta-Induced Lip Blister
I was making dinner a few days ago. I made an all-day pasta sauce, simmering it from morning to night. Tomatoes, garlic, zucchini, portobello mushrooms and onion. Yum, right? Sure. Then I boiled the penne and checked one to see if it was al dente or al harde and it squirted ten thousand degree water on me. Now I look like I have herpes. Super.
6. The Katsushika Hokusai Goatee
My goatee is getting unruly. It’s doing its best impression of The Great Wave Off Kanagawa and there’s no end in sight. It’s going to continue to grow and curl until it reaches and entwines itself with my hair on my head and smothers me in my sleep.
Not Pictured
I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was the camera flash or maybe it was the angle of the photo but you’re not seeing the giant bags under my eyes. We’re talking Giant Brown Bloomingdale’s Bag big.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
So… what you’re saying is that you’re starting to look just like me :P Except I can safely say I’ve avoided number 5 and number 3 isn’t quite that unruly (yet). Let’s also not forget neck hair - every wife’s favourite thing.
You’re just lucky you have a good personality.
It’s okay.
Meh. All you’d need to do is gain, like, 150 pounds and you’d be right at home in any bear-centric gaybar. A hot commodity, even.
Make-over time!
I’ll book the day-spa.
I might gain 150 pounds of hair before this is over.
150 pounds of hair? Wait, haven’t I seen you before on an O-Pee-Chee trading card?
I think you look like Colin Farrell.
Dude! You look like shit!
How DARE you!
John’s too lazy to look up his login info, so he wanted me to post a comment on his behalf. I got all ready to do so, and then he mumbled something incomprehensible, and then I said, “What? That doesn’t make any sense.” And then he said, “Never mind.” And I said, “No, what? I’m ready to comment for you.” And he said, “I changed my mind! It wasn’t that funny after all. Never mind!”
And now I’m posting this little exchange just so you’ll rest assured that there’s someone out there in a more pitiable state than you.
P.S. He just read what I wrote, and now he’s visibly struggling with weighing how much work it will be to look up his login stuff so that he can respond. Oh… looks like he just gave up.
And my point remains proved.
Oh John, you make us all look good!
Hey, Dave, I made you something.
WOWIE! That is awesome! I can only hope I’m turning into the dude with the yellow and orange turban (aka Turban Legend).
He’s my favourite!
WoW! I typed in “I look like shit” but boy u actually do look like shit! haha. i joke. U look like Jason Lee-Vice Versa. Most hairy guys look like him :P
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